i think i have a plan …

i might actually have it figured out. possibly.

three months to graduation and all of us seniors are trying to figure out what to do with our lives. as i’ve expressed on this blog before, i have so many interests it’s not only hard to decide what to do at what time, but also what i should make a career and what i should maintain as a hobby.

i’m in this lovely class called senior seminar which is geared specifically toward communications majors (i’m a minor, but i needed to substitute a class to finish the requirements). here’s a quick look at the class from another blog i contribute to:

“I don’t know what I want to do with my life.”

“This just isn’t what I expected I’d be doing by now.”

“I just can’t seem to make up my mind!”

“I really want to go for it, but I’m afraid I’ll fail, and then what?”

That is just a minute chunk from my Senior Seminar yesterday, in which we all unloaded our anxieties surrounding our graduation and eventual plunge into the workforce or grad school. It was not a pretty sight: emotions splattered across the room like a horrific scene from CSI. But for a moment, as I heard eleven other people speak the same words that have been racing through my mind for the past few weeks, nay, the past few years, it was refreshing (I’d say “like the crisp lemon-lime taste of Sprite”, but I think that would be going a bit far with the product placement for one paragraph).

so last class my fellow students made lists of things they do NOT want (i missed out on this activity because i was out with the stomach flu, so i did a quick catch-up in class today) and then finding the flip side, things they do want. we fleshed that out today, and then our teacher asked to pick three or four things from the flip side, the things we DO want, that are the most important. i came up with:

  • find something fun and challenging
  • learn to be independent
  • figure out how to balance my relationship (w/ my boyfriend) as a priority against the rest of my life
  • cultivate my passions

we all shared these points, and then our teacher asked if these priorities fit in with careers we have considered. for example, someone who wants to have weekends free probably shouldn’t be an event planner. we have started compiling ideas of people we’d like to job shadow, for a project we’ll be doing later this month. this got my mind going, and i drifted off into my own little place, planning out my life. here’s what i’m looking at…

first, specifically looking at the point about balancing my personal life with the rest of my life. i realized a couple of weeks ago that while my career aspirations have fluctuated throughout my life, one thing has remained constant. since i’ve been a kid, i’ve wanted to grow up, get married, have kids, the works. relationships are really important to me, and i’m not about to throw away something good for a possible chance at a glamorous career. keeping that in mind, i think i’ve come to terms with the fact that i would not make a good true professional opera singer – one who travels the majority of the year from state to state and country to country. i’d get lonely, as silly as that sounds. it would be fun for the first year maybe, but ultimately i’d want to be home with my boyfriend/husband (and my kids if i had them). ideally i would prefer to make a career as a singer solely in the bay area, with possibly the occasional excursion outside.

i’ve also considered the stress of making money with music, and i really don’t know that i could handle it. think about it: you’re depending on singing to pay the bills – if you’re not cutting it, you’re going to be without a roof and nursing a rumbling tummy. perhaps i’m just chickening out, but singing could be better for me as a major passion and hobby.

that being said, i don’t intend on abandoning singing and music, and i still want to pursue singing as a career. i actually have some fabulous ideas of what i could do – i won’t get into those now. but i do have a plan. that plan is to graduate (yay!) and try to make the music thing work. spend a couple of years at that. if it works out, wonderful. if not, i can pursue another interest that i developed a few years ago: special education. i worked at a school for developmentally disabled students for three summers as an instructional assistant, and absolutely loved it. i loved the kids, i loved the work. it was fabulous. i can see myself being happy as a teacher by day, and pursing musical interests in the evenings and on weekends, maybe being in a choir or two, organizing occasional recitals for fun, possibly even having my own group (that is sort of related to my earlier comment of the music ideas i’ve had). my teaching would pay the bills, and leave me time to still pursue music in various forms, and spend time with my family. :) i’d work toward my master’s degree and my credential at the same time.

someone very smart told me that if i can do anything else beside singing very well, that i should do that (i think someone very smart told him that as well). i’ve also been apprised of the risks and sacrifices and so forth that come with pursuing a professional music career, and considering my personality and my priorities, i may not be prepared to do such things. what’s important to me is that i cultivate my passions as well as my relationships, and if it comes down to it, i’d rather maintain a passion as a serious hobby rather than let that passion become a career that destroys my relationships. it’s all still a big ball of confusion, but somehow, as graduation moves closer, aspects of this mess become very clear – and the rest of it just gets more and more convoluted. oy vey!

all that jazz

being in the cast of chicago has been an experience! much more than i thought, and i gotta say, i’m glad that i ultimately decided to stick with the show. my characters don’t have names, but i do get to experiment with some exiting things – the most notable of which is being a burlesque dance a la sally rand. i also get to be the foreman (and take on the responsibility of two whole lines), and a girl in bed with harry. :P

last night was a hoot though! we choreographed “cell block tango” (or rather, dottie choreographed it and we learned it, with some of our own touches).  there are many points throughout the song where we’ve been asked to pose – that’s where our creativity comes in – and why i’m a little sore today! i was silly and chose a ridiculous pose for the beginning, that has me draped over my chair on my back, with one arm holding on to the back, and the other supporting me on the floor, and my right leg bent, knee to the sky. my left arm got quite a workout last night! throughout the number i have legs bent over my chair, legs around my chair, and everything in between. best part though? stomping out all my frustration, and spreading my legs wide near the end ;) hey, if you have the legs, ya might as well use ‘em.

three people have commented on my weight loss this week – weight loss that i wasn’t even trying for! i start bike riding and all of a sudden i’m ten pounds lighter. i may have to keep it up and join the “chicago diet”, now that i’m to portray a burlesque dancer – wouldn’t want anything to jiggle – well except maybe my behind. yeah, that can jiggle. ;) i think i had ice cream three times this week though … not doing such a great job! i think i’ll leave the hard-core dieting to the other girls (and guys?) in the cast, since they seem so intent on doing it.

i had a sugar cookie shaped like a baby’s onesie today. mmmmmm :)

amanda palmer + neil gaiman = über happiness

so … i just found out today (i’m a little behind here) that amanda palmer and neil gaiman got engaged on the 15th! yipee! [edit: they announced their engagement on the 15th. they were engaged about a week prior]

made a little video in celebration:

life is good. :)

clutter

why, why, WHY must we live with so much stuff? and that’s all it is … stuff! it’s not very important. most of it i could probably live without. in fact, since a lot of it is sitting in boxes at the moment, i’m doing just fine without it. so why do we hold onto so many things, and seek out ownership of all this clutter. it just doesn’t make sense. now i’ll have to stick a bunch of boxes into a closet until i graduate and have a place to call my own, at which point maybe i can downsize all this clutter that is following me around.

in other news … i seem to have a lot of pet peeves, one of which is the sound of chewing. i don’t know why – maybe the sound makes me think of gluttony or something similar – but it drives me NUTS!

there are actually many things that bother me. the other day i had to wash the dishes because the pile in the kitchen sink was bothering me. i often have to clean because the mess bothers me. i like things to be lined up with one another, rather than randomly strewn (which is odd, because there are also many things that i like to be asymmetrical, such as my cartilage piercings, and sometimes my hair). i’m sure if i started paying attention over the next week i could come up with an extensive list of things that bother me, but i’ll spare you. point is, i can be a little OCD at times.

this is not a good trait to have when i go to my parents’ house in sacramento, because everything is done in a certain way, and laid out in a certain way, a way which makes no sense to me and that i want to fix but can’t because it’s not my house. soon i will be back in belmont, and tomorrow i will be back in my apartment, which i can organize to my heart’s content. :)

my pal herbie

a silly post due to conversation i’m having with my friend simon in the netherlands.

what do herbert von karajan …

and simon rattle …

have in common? well yes, they’re both conductors, but they also both have EPIC HAIR!

11:50:07

i’m starting this post at 11:50 p.m. – yes, it’s night time. sometimes night time is just the best time to write, so here i am. i’m trying to stay warm – my feet have a habit of being cold even when the rest of my body is warm – poor circulation?

i’ve been sick since wednesday or so, but i can finally say that i’m about 92% back to normal, which is wonderful, because i can start thinking about singing again. the actual singing probably won’t happen for a couple of days, because my throat is still recouping and is absolutely worn out from all the coughing, but i’m just glad to know that i can start producing something close to lovely sounds in the near future. sickness is a plague for singers because it often wipes out our ability to do what we love most – sing! i also need to start really working on my senior recital, and i brought just my recital music home with me so i would focus on it (it’s christmas break, and i’ve moved out of my campus dwelling until mid-january).

luckily, i had my wonderful boyfriend criss to take care of me while i was wallowing in my illness. now, he’ll deny that he was making a nice gesture, but i have a little story to tell about the sweetest thing he did for me while i was sitting in his apartment delirious and sick. one of criss’s roommates has the most adorable kitten named rosen – black cat, super soft. rosen was just a little devil when he first joined the house, so criss always goes on and on about how much he dislikes that critter (but i always tease him, telling him that i know deep down he loves that cat). lately, he’s been keeping rosen out of his room, but when i was curled up on the couch, he went out of his way to get rosen to follow him down the hallway, go in the room and hop up on the couch with me. filled me with glee. i have such a good boyfriend *beams*. plus, he made me soup – always good to have a guy around to make you soup. even if it’s just out of a can ;) i bet he’s reading this right now and blushing. hi sweetie!

i’ve added a link to my side bar – gay family values. the leffew family lives in california – they are two gay men who have adopted two children, and they make videos showing that their family life isn’t different from that of a family with hetero parents. i may have mentioned them before – lovely couple, and adorable children. i’ve linked to their blog on the side, but please also check out their videos on youtube: gay family values. they recently posted a series of videos about their adoption experience – very enlightening!

i learned today that there may still be hope for me when it comes to arts and crafts – more on that in a future post, if i remember to post pictures!

let’s see if i’m going to be able to squeeze anything else out tonight or if i should just abandon my late night blogging efforts and go to bed. hmmm … i would like to say that it’s really nice to be in a relationship where i feel equal with my partner. having said that, there are many ways in which we’re not “equal”: he actually has a steady job and the ability to support himself. once i graduate i’m going to have to figure out how to do that. having had much more life experience, he’s also much more mature than i am, but luckily i have enough moments of maturity that it’s not too much of a problem. i think the big plus is that we’re able to communicate on the same level, and somehow that gets us on the same page. i like being able to have some sort of meaningful conversation with him. granted, we have some very different interests – i like classical music, he likes golf – but somehow we find some common ground as well. he’s almost like a mentor to me in a way too, and he balances out my zaniness and anxiousness. it’s good for partners to balance each other out – in most of my relationships our qualities just ended up clashing instead of balancing.

in other news … i’m taking a step toward longer hair. i’ve sported short styles since 2006 and i’m thinking it may be time for me to try something slightly longer again. question is: do i have the patience? it has been suggested that i make a youtube video about this – get my viewers to hold me to it. it worked well when i gave up hair dyeing for a year. we’ll see what happens.

i think this post is coming to a close. cheerio all!

claire karoly: reflections

each semester for vocal performance class i have to prepare a self-evaluation. this time i had a little fun and used a template for a program (i.e. program for a musical performance, etc.) for my evaluation, complete with pretty fonts and pictures. it is available for your viewing pleasure below. all pictures by richard rossi.

claire karoly: reflections

now i cry for daylight

i am sitting here wishing jeremy denk would post to his blog, but my jedi mind powers appear to be a little underdeveloped: he hasn’t posted since 17 september and i’m itching for a gem from the concert pianist noggin. instead, i shall have to just add another entry to my own blog: at least i have control over that!

learning this lovely and haunting piece right now:

i’m doing it a half step down – that pesky little half step makes a world of difference! i don’t want to give away my entire senior recital, so i’ll just say that this piece is part of a somewhat random schubert set that we’re going to suspend in the recital. you’ll have to hear for yourself in march, but this mixed with the other schubert pieces i’ve chosen, and in the context of the rest of the show, is just stunning, and at the same time very eerie.

my calendar is speaking to me. it says, ” a woman is a mystery that can quide the wise and open man.” thoughts? i think rumi got something right there. ;)

listening to a little of my favorite countertenor (andreas scholl) at the moment. seems like almost everytime i listen to him, i find something else i want to sing. now it’s “impius wretch” from händel’s “saul”. i have to say though, i still kick butt on “he was despised”. it could be a million times better, but the energy in that piece is off the charts. i need to get myself on video singing that – too many people are unaware of the awesomeness of händel.

and then the next thing that pops up on my itunes is something from the soundtrack for le fabuleux destin d’amélie poulain, one of my favorite films of all time, up there with lawrence of arabia, schindler’s list, and edward scissorhands. amélie is always a good way to start my day.

today i get to tackle cutting up fruit to make a salsa. as much as i love food, i am not a wizard in the kitchen, so this will be … interesting. my cousin and i have been planning (via internet) a party for her mom and my mom, because they are both turning 50. first time i’ve really planned a party, but theresa is the master (or should i say mistress?) of these sorts of things, so we should be fine. i ordered a particularly cool cake for the occasion; it’s a little different than your average birthday cake, but then again, i’m not your average girl.

another big event this weekend: the meeting of the parents. yes, i am meeting criss’ parents tonight. i would be lying if i said i wasn’t a tiny bit nervous, but these things seem to work themselves out. i was just thinking the other day about how i am a very deceptive extrovert. i’ve always been an extrovert, and always will be, but there was a time in my life when i was extremely shy (the hiding behind your mom’s leg and crying in new situations kind of shy), and that has never really left me. my friends know me as a very outgoing individual, but really at heart i’m just a shy woman who loves people, and the energy of people. it tends to be a hindrance if i’m trying to get myself anywhere in the world, as my shyness has turned into a phobia of speaking on the phone (except with a select few people), and i get really anxious having to go into a business or other establishment i haven’t been to before. it’s very unfortunate, and somewhat contradictory to my nature. somehow i’ll get over it.

i’m off to shower and start preparing that salsa. for now, enjoy this song that i recently discovered (thanks to my friend and coach sean bart, who introduced me to the band, antony and the johnsons).

auf wiedersehen!

p.s. is it wrong that i’m singing dido (the british singer, not the opera) while brushing my teeth?

let me be

when someone wakes up an hour before they need to be up (got up at 7), the most logical thing is to get on wordpress and compose something. now, what to say…

life is good. i just have to throw that out there. life is pretty darn stinkin’ good. sure, it has its bumps along the way, but those bumps are actually rather important. my boyfriend criss and i discussed this briefly last night, and we both appear to have the same philosophy: there’s no point in regret. why regret something you’ve done when it is so much a part of who you’ve become? every little thing we do contributes to our growth as a person, and besides, how are we supposed to change if we don’t make mistakes? we don’t start out perfect (probably never will be perfect, and shoot, how boring would that be?)

that’s not what i’m here to focus on however. i really have it made right now. first off, i have a wonderful boyfriend. sometimes he denies it when i gush about how good he is, but he really is a good man, and he does a lot of good for me. many of you probably don’t know my boyfriend well, or haven’t even heard about him. criss and i met at the beginning of july, at the establishment where i sing karaoke. he’s not a singer himself, but the karaoke bar is on the property of a golf course, and criss is a bit of a golf man. we were always friendly with each other, but we didn’t really hit it off until a month later, and then we began dating. now, well, it’s like we’ve been together a year rather than a few months.

now this of course isn’t the primary reason i like him, but he is super attractive. irresistible red hair, a smile that makes me all gooey, and his eyes … mmmmmmmm.  :) but really (cliche alert!) he’s most attractive on the inside. he’s got a good head on his shoulders, both physically and mentally. he’s super attentive to me, affectionate, and occasionally he’ll do something, like hold me in a certain way, that silently lets me know how much he cares. he’s absolutely hysterical when he’s around me: a humor that i really appreciate. something that really struck me from the get go, however, is just how open he is. he’s not afraid to open up to me about his life, and all of us women know that there’s nothing sexier than a guy who is willing to talk! the rest i can’t really put into words: the way we are together just doesn’t really have a description.

and then there’s the age factor. make sure you are seated – criss and i are a whopping 16 years apart in age. funny thing is, it doesn’t really feel like that at all. sure, there are times when i realize just how young i am compared to him, but overall, we’re practically on the same level. i just have a little more maturing to do, but that’s natural. i am so thankful to finally be with a mature guy! it makes such a huge difference. girls, don’t waste your time with the youngins. you’ll start having your best relationships in your 20s, when the men are actually starting to grow up.

but enough gushing about my boyfriend. there are plenty of other wonderful things happening in my life right now. i am planning a wonderful cabaret of a recital for the spring, filled with repertoire spanning from the baroque all the way to present day. i’m currently in mozart’s magic flute as well, and i’m discovering just how suited mozart is for my voice (or maybe how suited my voice is for mozart), and it’s absolutely delightful. i have good friends, good housing, and good bike rides to keep me in shape. life is just good. it will be even better when i graduate and throw myself out into the world. i’m so anxious and so excited! god knows where i’ll be in a year, but that doesn’t really matter. i’ll just be. :)

conflicted

there comes a time in every person’s life when he or she has to figure out what to do for the next few decades, and that time is coming upon me. graduation is imminent. for the first time in about 19 years or so, i will not be a student. i’m getting bombarded left and right with the question, “what are you going to do?” well, there’s what i WANT to do, and what i may HAVE to do. what i WANT to do is just sing. i want to sing baroque opera. i want to sing trouser roles. i want to give early music recitals. and maybe, just maybe, i’ll give a cabaret show here and there.

there’s a joke that runs among those of us who chose artistic vocations, a joke best summed up by the title of a certain facebook group “i picked a major i like, and one day i will probably be living in a box.”so the conundrum becomes – do i throw myself completely into my art and starve, or compromise my art a little by finding a non-artisitc career? i have so many options to choose from that my mind is boggled. i toyed with the idea of staying on here to get my credential in special education. i’ve worked at a special ed school, and i absolutely loved the kids. there are certain aspects of staying here that may or may not guarantee me having housing and a job as well. the downside is that the classes would be in the evening, so i wouldn’t be able to be in any shows, essentially putting off my opera progress for at least a year. how silly is that? on the other hand, i need to eat, and i need to have a roof over my head. there is also the option of graduate school, but i’m not sure i want to throw myself into that sea right away.

then there are additional factors thrown on top of that. every persion has many different identities that they fulfill. for example, i’m a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a singer, etc.. one day i’d like to be a wife and a mother. and this is where we reach my second conundrum. i was in my voice lesson last week, and my teacher made a plea that really put me off, and it has been worming its way through my brain ever since. my teacher was absolutely pleased with my work, and started to gush about how he thought i could have a major career, and then – here’s the kicker – he said that he knew that i enjoyed my relationships with men, and that that was fine, but that i shouldn’t just settle down and get married and have kids. he didn’t want that to get in the way of my potential career. i see the merit in that, but that also causes a major conflict for me, because a major part of my identity is comprised of my relationships, and getting married and having kids has been a goal that i want to reach. so the next question is: do i let my career get in the way of my family, or my family get in the way of my career? is there a way i can have both. and then i ask: do i want to have a simple music career, singing in churches and other little paid gigs, do i want to cover the entire bay area, or do i want to conquer america and europe? how far can i go musically without compromising my future romantically? so many questions, and no answers!

so this is where i am, and i’m not any closer to knowing what i’ll be doing come may. i don’t want to sell out, on either front. this is far beyond a headache – it’s a soul ache.