let me be

when someone wakes up an hour before they need to be up (got up at 7), the most logical thing is to get on wordpress and compose something. now, what to say…

life is good. i just have to throw that out there. life is pretty darn stinkin’ good. sure, it has its bumps along the way, but those bumps are actually rather important. my boyfriend criss and i discussed this briefly last night, and we both appear to have the same philosophy: there’s no point in regret. why regret something you’ve done when it is so much a part of who you’ve become? every little thing we do contributes to our growth as a person, and besides, how are we supposed to change if we don’t make mistakes? we don’t start out perfect (probably never will be perfect, and shoot, how boring would that be?)

that’s not what i’m here to focus on however. i really have it made right now. first off, i have a wonderful boyfriend. sometimes he denies it when i gush about how good he is, but he really is a good man, and he does a lot of good for me. many of you probably don’t know my boyfriend well, or haven’t even heard about him. criss and i met at the beginning of july, at the establishment where i sing karaoke. he’s not a singer himself, but the karaoke bar is on the property of a golf course, and criss is a bit of a golf man. we were always friendly with each other, but we didn’t really hit it off until a month later, and then we began dating. now, well, it’s like we’ve been together a year rather than a few months.

now this of course isn’t the primary reason i like him, but he is super attractive. irresistible red hair, a smile that makes me all gooey, and his eyes … mmmmmmmm.  but really (cliche alert!) he’s most attractive on the inside. he’s got a good head on his shoulders, both physically and mentally. he’s super attentive to me, affectionate, and occasionally he’ll do something, like hold me in a certain way, that silently lets me know how much he cares. he’s absolutely hysterical when he’s around me: a humor that i really appreciate. something that really struck me from the get go, however, is just how open he is. he’s not afraid to open up to me about his life, and all of us women know that there’s nothing sexier than a guy who is willing to talk! the rest i can’t really put into words: the way we are together just doesn’t really have a description.

and then there’s the age factor. make sure you are seated – criss and i are a whopping 16 years apart in age. funny thing is, it doesn’t really feel like that at all. sure, there are times when i realize just how young i am compared to him, but overall, we’re practically on the same level. i just have a little more maturing to do, but that’s natural. i am so thankful to finally be with a mature guy! it makes such a huge difference. girls, don’t waste your time with the youngins. you’ll start having your best relationships in your 20s, when the men are actually starting to grow up.

but enough gushing about my boyfriend. there are plenty of other wonderful things happening in my life right now. i am planning a wonderful cabaret of a recital for the spring, filled with repertoire spanning from the baroque all the way to present day. i’m currently in mozart’s magic flute as well, and i’m discovering just how suited mozart is for my voice (or maybe how suited my voice is for mozart), and it’s absolutely delightful. i have good friends, good housing, and good bike rides to keep me in shape. life is just good. it will be even better when i graduate and throw myself out into the world. i’m so anxious and so excited! god knows where i’ll be in a year, but that doesn’t really matter. i’ll just be.

conflicted

there comes a time in every person’s life when he or she has to figure out what to do for the next few decades, and that time is coming upon me. graduation is imminent. for the first time in about 19 years or so, i will not be a student. i’m getting bombarded left and right with the question, “what are you going to do?” well, there’s what i WANT to do, and what i may HAVE to do. what i WANT to do is just sing. i want to sing baroque opera. i want to sing trouser roles. i want to give early music recitals. and maybe, just maybe, i’ll give a cabaret show here and there.

there’s a joke that runs among those of us who chose artistic vocations, a joke best summed up by the title of a certain facebook group “i picked a major i like, and one day i will probably be living in a box.”so the conundrum becomes – do i throw myself completely into my art and starve, or compromise my art a little by finding a non-artisitc career? i have so many options to choose from that my mind is boggled. i toyed with the idea of staying on here to get my credential in special education. i’ve worked at a special ed school, and i absolutely loved the kids. there are certain aspects of staying here that may or may not guarantee me having housing and a job as well. the downside is that the classes would be in the evening, so i wouldn’t be able to be in any shows, essentially putting off my opera progress for at least a year. how silly is that? on the other hand, i need to eat, and i need to have a roof over my head. there is also the option of graduate school, but i’m not sure i want to throw myself into that sea right away.

then there are additional factors thrown on top of that. every persion has many different identities that they fulfill. for example, i’m a student, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a singer, etc.. one day i’d like to be a wife and a mother. and this is where we reach my second conundrum. i was in my voice lesson last week, and my teacher made a plea that really put me off, and it has been worming its way through my brain ever since. my teacher was absolutely pleased with my work, and started to gush about how he thought i could have a major career, and then – here’s the kicker – he said that he knew that i enjoyed my relationships with men, and that that was fine, but that i shouldn’t just settle down and get married and have kids. he didn’t want that to get in the way of my potential career. i see the merit in that, but that also causes a major conflict for me, because a major part of my identity is comprised of my relationships, and getting married and having kids has been a goal that i want to reach. so the next question is: do i let my career get in the way of my family, or my family get in the way of my career? is there a way i can have both. and then i ask: do i want to have a simple music career, singing in churches and other little paid gigs, do i want to cover the entire bay area, or do i want to conquer america and europe? how far can i go musically without compromising my future romantically? so many questions, and no answers!

so this is where i am, and i’m not any closer to knowing what i’ll be doing come may. i don’t want to sell out, on either front. this is far beyond a headache – it’s a soul ache.

braille babies

i took a whack at magnetic poetry today, employing the close-eyes-and-point method (this wasn’t completely left up to chance however – i made a few executive decisions):

i don’t think i really need to elaborate on that.

i am writing today however because i am long overdue for a post about food! so, without further ado, here is one of my grilled cheese concoctions!

this is a hybrid of grilled cheese and egg in a basket (which goes by many names, but you may recognize it from v for vendetta). first of all, you need a skillet/frying pan.

easy enough. next you’ll need to put some butter in your pan – the amount is at your discretion – and turn on the heat to medium.

next, you have to prepare your bread. ultimately, you will need two slices, but for now we’re just going to prepare one. i use wheat bread. remove a circle in the centre (woah, i typed that with british spelling without even thinking about it) of the bread. i just tore mine out, but at home i generally use a cookie cutter when making egg in a basket.

at this point, your butter is probably just about melted. i like to coat each slice of bread with butter before grilling them, just to help make them golden, and make them tasty! i just grabbed each piece of bread and dipped it in the pan.

then set aside the intact piece of bread, and place the bread with the hole in the pan.

crack an egg in the center of the bread, and let it fry in the pan.

when your egg looks ready, flip the egg and bread to the other side. now this is the part when we transition from making just an egg in a basket to a grilled cheese egg in a basket (maybe i’ll come up with a spiffy name by the end of this post). put some cheese on the top of the bread. i used shredded sharp cheddar cheese because that’s what i had on hand, but you can use whatever cheese you want (although keep in mind that some cheeses melt better than others).

put the other piece of bread on top, and let it cook for a couple of minutes. then flip it over again to let the intact piece of bread have a chance to toast a little.

unfortunately, i burnt mine when i did this! but you may like that! this is a yummy treat, good for a late night snack, or for breakfast. just be aware if you made your egg over easy that you might have some yolk leaking out (which i love, and is very good for dipping while eating your grilled cheese/egg in a basket). any ideas for a name for this concoction?

enjoy eating. *hug*

scholl and wolkenstein

i am very excited about this programme (yes, i spelled it programme, i convert to british spellings occasionally). now if only i could get to europe to see it!

http://www.musicomh.com/classical/wigmore-scholl_0609.htm

the reign of the mezzo

since when did ’soprano’ become synonymous with ‘feminine’ and ‘diva’, and since when did ‘feminine’ and ‘diva’ become synonymous with ‘leading lady’? i’ve always been a proud mezzo/alto. even when i was assigned to the soprano part in choir, i knew deep down that i was truly an alto, and there’s no changing that. i have a little secret to share with you. mezzos/altos are much better than sopranos. oh, you knew that already? well, let’s keep this important information between you and me, okay? no one else needs to know – they might go into convulsions, and we can’t risk the ill health of a substantial part of the world’s population.

you don’t even have to enter the musical world to see how much the soprano has penetrated our society. altos seem to have this reputation as the dumbed-down singers who weren’t good enough to make it into the soprano section in their high school choirs. although one could argue that that was the case in my high school choir (if any LHS choir altos from 2002-2006 are reading this, come on, you know it’s true – the altos were always flat!), it’s not a universal fact. i happen to believe that altos are the more skilled singers, and, dare i say it, possibly above singing soprano. there are plenty of altos in the world who can rip out a high C with no trouble at all (although you won’t hear them singing colouratura in the super high E and above range – we have sopranos to hurt our ears with that). consider this: when the sopranos were singing the melody in choir, the altos had to work extra hard to make sure the harmony was up to par. you acquire a really good sense of intonation after a year or two of doing that, and second sopranos/mezzos even more so, because they are stuck in the middle of it all!

but let me put the soprano bashing aside. i happen to know quite a few sopranos with absolutely lovely, moving voices, and brains that will leave you in the dust. what i don’t understand is why sopranos seem to be favored by most opera composers, and consequently, by most opera audiences. i don’t have a fancy pie chart or bar graph or anything, but i’m sure if you did some extensive research of all the operas in existence, you’d find that there are many more soprano lead roles than mezzo/contralto lead roles. let me lay out a stereotypical opera. young tenor falls madly in love with young soprano, who sings a dramatic, obnoxious, milk-the-audience aria for about twenty minutes declaring her love in return, in addition to five more 5-10 minute arias, and about 10-20 minutes worth of recit throughout the entire opera. evil baritone/bass shows up and tries to thwart their relationship. tenor and soprano sing lovely victorious duet at the end, with chorus joining, as they celebrate their love. oh wait, where was the mezzo? ah yes, the nubile soprano unfolded a sappy story to the mezzo in act ii, and the mezzo contributed a short, inconsequential reply. *cue “whatever happened to my part?” from spamalot*

now, that’s not to say that there aren’t mezzo leading roles, in fact, there are quite a few scrumptious ones, and at the end of the day, i’d much prefer to sing the mezzo roles anyway (there’s another part of our little secret – you know the mezzo’s ultimately have better repertoire to sing, but the sopranos don’t need to know that). i’m starting to get really irked though, because ever opera we’ve performed in my career at this university has been driven by a soprano female. there were a few good mezzo supporting roles, but not once has a mezzo really had the opportunity to soak up the limelight. let’s see now, we could have done carmen (we were SO CLOSE to doing carmen, then it got cancelled), gluck’s orfeo, and any of the many operas with alto castrato leading roles (sung by mezzos and countertenors today), but we didn’t.

apart from the lack of mezzo fame at my school (the fact that there’s only one mezzo to every 5 million sopranos doesn’t help), i still get the feeling that mezzos are overlooked far too often. somewhere along the line, something must have happened to make the opera community love sopranos (come on, love the mezzos! we’re cuddlier!). i’ve developed a few theories:

the roman catholic church has had a great impact on music in the past, so i wouldn’t be surprised if it played a role in the rise of the soprano and demise of the mezzo. i can hear you blubbering now – “how dare you slander the catholic church?!” i think i have every right to make a possibly-negative hypothesis concerning the catholic church considering that a) i’m a christian b) i’ve spent almost 8 years in catholic school and c) i’m an episcopalian, which is about as close to catholic as a non-catholic can get (except, for some reason, the episcopalians decided that maybe, just maybe, it would be a good idea to let priests find some sexual relief through the opportunity of marriage). i bet that a few centuries ago, some pope had a mistress (boo! hiss! oh shut up – alexander vi had a plethora of mistresses, so you can’t really object to my theory), who graced many a stage with her mezzo-ness, and one day he caught her with a cleric, and therefore excommunicated her from the church, and banished her from italy, and henceforth he could not bear to watch a mezzo perform, so he ensured that all operas commissioned and written from that point forward were heavily weighted with sopranos, and did not have a mezzo in a lead role. he would frown upon any performance with a lead mezzo, and anything that the pope rejects, the public rejects, and so the soprano found her way to the forefront of opera.

nice theory, but highly unlikely. theory number two (not nearly as scandalous as theory number one): you may or may not know that women were not allowed to perform on the stage, opera included, for centuries, and castrati therefore had to play the female roles. i read in a cd liner that higher voices were often used for hero roles (don’t you think it’s a little strange that someone as manly as caesar has an alto voice in handel’s giulio cesare?) and such because it was believed higher voices were closer to the divine. so … maybe when women were finally allowed to perform, sopranos had the upper hand because some nutcase decided that their voices were more likely to contain some pathway to heaven (yes, i know, i’m bringing religion into it again), or at least have some semblance of goodness (really? have you ever known a pure soprano? you know they’re all contaminated in some way. just kidding!).

enough with the theories. whatever the reason, the point remains that sopranos are more loved. guess us lowly mezzos are just going to have to accept that. either that, or one of us is going to have to write a collection of mezzo-driven operas (and it’s not going to be me, because it would take me about 20 years to complete just one). any takers? i have a feeling, however, that sometime in my lifetime (i’ve got a good 70 or so years left, god-willing) mezzos will turn the tables, and we will witness the reign of the mezzo.

ciao and happy singing (or listening).

tightwads of san francisco unite!

it’s common knowledge that san francisco is a seemingly impossible city to inhabit, and somehow, over 800,000 people do so every day. at the moment, the closest i come to living in san francisco is going to school on the peninsula, and that is a far cry from really living in “the City”. while the prospect of living in frisco is quite daunting, it has been a dream of mine for many years, and i’m not about to give that up without a fight! after all, who would want to give up the opportunity to live near an alleyway that reeks of urine, run into every werido that has ever been conceived, and spend his/her life savings for meager shelter and bread on the table? okay, i kid. those of us who live in or near the City know that san francisco is blessed with culture, a diverse population, people who are willing to fight for what they believe in, and, heaven forbid, a unique sense of community. there’s something to say for being a part of san francisco. wander through that urine-coated alleyway, and i guarantee that at the other end (or a few streets down from the other end) you’ll find something meaningful, whether it be a little slice of sunshine, a person who gives you a nourishing laugh, or some new discovery.

as i mentioned above, coming up with the means to be a part of the san francisco experience is a huge task. rent of course is the major concern, but after that comes food (believe me, i have food on the brain almost 24/7). matt (my boyfriend, who is moving here from kansas as i type!) and i have considered writing our own ramen cookbook (while i haven’t looked, i’m almost positive it’s been done- how could there not be a ramen cookbook?!). maybe i’m just spoiled by good home cooking, but eating ramen every day, let alone once, does not excite me, but the stuff (it’s not food. it does not deserve to be called food. it has not aspired to the level required to be called food) is dirt cheap, so any way to encoroporate it into a somewhat healthy (ramen, healthy? ha!) meal is welcomed. i’ve found in the last couple of weeks while cooking on my own that there are actually rather cheap methods of feeding oneself. pasta is a big factor. dishes with cheese are wonderful as well, and it’s pretty affordable to encorporate vegetables (only mentioning vegetables here because i’m a bit anti-fruit – other than squash, which are, contrary to popular belief, fruit, and apples, i just don’t like fruit. the end) into your diet as well. at the moment i have a limited number of dishes i can cook affordably, so i’m working on expanding my food repertoire.

however, at some point i’m going to want to get out of my on-campus apartment and catch some entertainment, and have someone cook food for me, and that’s where broke-ass stuart comes in. broke-ass who?! broke-ass stuart. yeah, i had no idea who he was either, until matt and i wandered into the virgin megastore on market st. while we were killing time before his appointment at academy of art university. turns out, broke-ass stuart wrote a charming and witty zine with tips on finding cheap food, alcohol, shopping, and sights in san francisco, and eventually published it as a book, a book that ended up in my hand at virgin. purchasing the book required around nine dollars from my wallet (a discount on the regular price of $12.95). i figured that if anything, i’d get a good read out of it.

my guide to cheap things sitting on my not-so-cheap computer

turns out, i got my nine dollars of entertainment out of this book. first of all, to my delight, there’s a quote from oscar wilde before you even get to the table of contents!

It’s an odd thing, but anyone who disappears is said to be seen in San Francisco. It must be a delightful city and possess all the attractions of the next world.

after the table of contents, there’s a crude map of the City, followed by a muni/bart map (always helpful). then comes the introduction. i knew one paragraph into this intro that i would enjoy the rest of the book. and then of course he hits the nail on the head in the second paragraph.

What makes this city so fucking great is that everybody here has a little bit of freak and weirdo in them.

and then in the third:

If U.S. cities were people, San Francisco would be the weird art school kid who felt like nobody else understood him. Whether you live in the Mission or the Marina, there’s a reason why you chose San Francisco — you chose it because there was something about this city that spoke to you and made you feel like this was home. And you know what that means? You’re just as looney as the rest of us, whether you like it or not.

hmmmm, and you wonder why i’m attracted to san francisco? i’ve been a professed embracer of the weird since the 90s (yes, i’m that young). after living in sacramento for over a couple of decades, there’s something about the atmosphere of the bay area that has called me to join it. but back to broke-ass stuart.

he really is a delightful read. unfortunately, i don’t know when i’ll be able to implement any of his suggestions, as i rarely get to the City (one of the woes of college life – too busy studying to go anywhere!). the book is divided into neigborhoods, with sections for food, bars, shopping, and sights and entertainment. the bars section will go mostly untouched, as i’m not a heavy drinker, and don’t go bar-hopping. however, there may be that odd night when i want to score some free or cheap hot wings, in which case i may grab a beer. i may have to start carrying this book around, as well as a highlighter, so i can keep track of the places i like if i ever utilize the guide.

may i suggest that you do not read the book late at night. i covered chintatown, the sunset, golden gate park, the marina, and the castro last night, and by the time i went to bed i was starving. here’s a sampling of the things he enticed me with:

Make sure you get their wonton appetizer; it is the bomb.

You’s is often teeming with people (which is always a good sign), and their pot stickers are of a freakishly huge size.

An island of Mediterranean food surrounded by an ocean of Asian restaurants, Sunrise Deli has quite possibly the best falafel, shawarma and kebabs in the whole city.

How does a good hot pastrami sandwich sound right now?

They also have gourmet milkshakes. What the fuck is a gourmet milkshake? What’s next, a gourmet corndog?

We ordered the De La Hoya/Mayorga fight on pay-per-view and for some ungodly reason we also decided to order 100 Buffalo wings.

I don’t know what it is about their nachos that make them such a wonderful guilty pleasure. Maybe it’s the fact that the cheese and chili come from a machine that hums and dispenses as if it were giving out soft-serve frozen yogurt. Or maybe it’s because of the time that I saw the belly of the beast, where I found two plastic bags, one cheese and one chili, put through ringers that help squeeze out that sweet manna that makes you loathe yourself after eating it.

fooooooooooooooooood. not to mention the mecca of shopping.

maybe one of these days i’ll actually get to one of the restuarants he mentions in his book, and then i’ll do a little review. actually, i have been to one already, but not in san francisco.

Find a friend with a Costco card. Go to Costco. Eat as many samples as you want. Go home satisfied. Repeat.

for now you’ll just have to do with pictures and descriptions of my weird cooking concoctions. coming soon: two slight variations on grilled cheese.

ciao and cheerio.

bertarido-in-training

a redhead’s update

exit

i haven’t posted in an unacceptably long time, and for that i apologize. there’s a thing called life, and it got in the way. this week finds me moving to the close of yet another school year (how many school years have i had in my life now?), and the beginning of my opportunity to explore music and other activities that i’ve put on the backburner due to lack of time. this summer i am definitely learning all of bertarido’s bits (or at least all the major ones) from rodelinda (for those of you who are out of the baroque loop, rodelinda is an opera by handel, and i am absolutely obsessed with it). i also began a collaboration a month ago with a classical guitarist on some dowland lute songs; now that i don’t have school taking up my time, i can return to that. the biggest project, however, will be planning my SENIOR RECITAL! it is going to be a very eclectic show, as i like a little bit of everything. now i just have to lay out what i want to sing, and learn the songs that i haven’t already learned. i’m aiming for april 2010 for my recital. i have the feeling that it’s going to be absolutely smashing.

other big news: my boyfriend (if you’re new to my blog, i’m in a long distance relationship with a kansan boy) is moving out here in under a month! a couple of my friends from school just got an apartment, and he’s going to be moving in with them. only 15 minutes away from my school. needless to say, i’ll be visiting their apartment a lot. we have been waiting a long time for this (we’ve been a couple since november 2007), so it’s exciting that it’s finally approaching!

amber and i went out the other day to look for a table for the apartment. it is wicked fun to go furniture shopping. the furniture consignment shop was a big miss, so we went to world market, and absolutely geeked out over chairs and pillows and decorations and placemats, and … well, everything! it’s depressing to see how much money i could spend on interior decorating … and it get’s much worse when i go to IKEA! that store is interior decorating heaven. the only problem is that i start looking at things like kitchen cabinets and drooling over them, and then i realize that to have kitchen cabinets, i first have to have a kitchen. oops. and of course we can’t do anything with the kitchen cabinets at the apartment. we can’t even paint in there (i use we like i really have a say in the way the apartment looks). anyway, amber and i finally found an affordable table, but they didn’t have the chairs that we wanted. however, i checked the as-is section (per john’s suggestion via text message) and lo and behold, there were four fully assembled chairs that were the same ones that we wanted! great find … until we had to get everything into the car. after this shopping trip, i learned that i am the queen of squishing things into a tiny car. see, we were working with a dodge neon – not very much space. however, i got the unassembled table in the space where the backseat passengers place their feet, and two chairs on the back seat, one in the trunk (after lots of moving and adjusting), and the last one on my lap in the front passenger seat. it was brilliant! so now john, amber, and matt have a dining table with four chairs, complete with four seat cushions and four placemats. mission successful!

okay singing detour. on friday i participated in the LONGEST CONCERT EVER. okay, not really, but it was way too long. it was two and a half hours of various ensemble pieces, ranging from duets to full ensemble pieces. this was our final performance of the school year for camerata, our ensemble class that is made up of singers and instrumentalists. my contributions were third lady in the three ladies trio from mozart’s magic flute, IV from vivaldi’s nisi dominus, and pergolesi’s stabat mater. i have been looking forward to this pergolesi performance for months, because the work is just absolutely delicious, and i had a few solos and duets. we divvied up the work into a few group numbers, solos, and duets. the only disappointing part was that my voice was very worn out, slightly sore, and i was congested, so it was really hard to do the piece justice, but i am not going to dwell on that. i have spent enough time beating up on myself. distance award for the night goes to my nana and papa, who drove over 3 hours to get to my ridiculously long concert (i know you’re reading this nana hehehe). i really hope that i get to sing this stabat mater again in the future. i’ve been analyzing it as part of my form and analysis class, and i am fascinating by some of the thing pergolesi did in his composition. geek time!

the night before that, i sang a few group numbers in another student’s recital. 21st century musical theatre one night, baroque the next! we sang three songs from the musical spring awakening. it’s fun to bounce back and forth between classical and musical theatre, especially as an alto. i received many compliments on my belty voice, which is always a little surprising because i just started singing that sort of music a couple of years ago. apparently my musical theatre voice can be hot. i have to admit, us altos get some really yummy things to sing in musical theatre, songs that resonate like crazy in our chest voices.

the night before that, i had a choir concert! and the weekend before that, i had opera performances! our school put on poulenc’s dialogues of the carmelites. i wasn’t very excited about it at first, but i came to really love the experience. for those not familiar with the opera, it recounts the events of the french revolution, specifically those affecting 16 Carmelite nuns who were eventually martyred. i was the 12th to die (and may i say, i died very well). the women’s choruses are GORGEOUS! the rest of it is a little strange, but i got over that. if i were to do the opera again, i’d like to play either the old prioress or mother marie (the old prioress has an insanely hot part – it’s because she’s a contralto).

strides have been made this semester with my singing. my coloratura is very promising – i can navigate fast running passages with more ease than ever before. my voice continues to mature of course. my teacher thinks that i have a very good chance of developing into a contralto. am i the only mezzo in the world who would love to be a contralto? probably. but that just makes me strange and awesome.

vocal juries later today – singing handel’s “he was despised” and schubert’s “der liermann”. wish me luck!

my apologies

as a few of you know, i had a tiny freak out moment early today (okay, maybe it wasn’t so tiny, but at least it only lasted an hour or so, instead of a few days). in the past, i’ve remarked on how much a singer is attached to her voice, because it is such an integral part not only of what we do, but who we are. therefore, singing is especially personal.

sometimes, reviewing my voice becomes a touchy subject. for the most part, i am very happy with the progress i’ve made, but i have my moments where i can be very self-depricating, and for that i apologize. for today, and for any other day i’ve done it. i apologize for all the days i’ve shrugged off a postive comment on a performance, saying “well, this could have been better” or “it wasn’t like the way i did it in my lesson”. who gives a piss how it could have been or how i’ve done it in the past. the important thing is that in that moment, someone appreciated what my performance had to offer, and for that, i should be, and am, grateful.

today i watched a video from a short concert i and a few other students put on in memory of one of our english teachers, who passed away unexpectedly to us a couple of weeks ago. i was profusely unhappy with my performance, and although many people said it was beautiful and that the sentiment was appropriate, i somehow felt that i had failed dr. davaran, that i had flushed my last chance to do something good for him right down the toilet. i got over it until today, when i saw the video, and was absolutely horrified at how awful i sounded in head voice. probably some of the worst head voice i’ve heard come out of me lately. that set me up to shoot down my other performances that i observed today, namely “when i am laid in earth” from purcell’s dido and aeneas. when i think about it now, i actually sang it pretty well, but sometimes i get into a critical tunnel, and i can’t see the good in my performances. i can only nit pick. i am so hard on myself

this led to a small break down, a crying fit which left me shaking in a ball on my bed. i also emailed my voice teacher and said some nasty things about my voice, which in retrospect, were really not necessary for me to say at all, and in essence stated that i hate my voice on facebook. i don’t hate my voice. i’m never going to hate my voice. in fact, most of the time i am quite pleased with the uniqueness of my voice, as i am very different from the other voices in the department. it just can be a very lonely battle sometimes when you sit on the other end of the spectrum.

i want everyone to know that i am okay. i have a habit of being very self-critical, and i am a professed perfectionist. i also have a few panic attacks every semester, so naturally i’m bound to freak out over something small now and then. please know that if i seem like i’m not listening to your positive reinforcement, i am, i can just get stuck in a mode for a bit, but at heart i am listening and absorbing your comments.

i need to learn to not beat myself up so much, and focus on the positive. just the other day i posted a very happy blog entry about my improvement, and yesterday i had multiple people approach me and tell me how beautifully i sang a song in chapel. my teacher is always telling me the positives of my singing in my voice lessons. so maybe i’m not as good as other singers, or i have days where i don’t sing as well as i’d like, but the point is, i am claire karoly, mezzo-soprano, and damnit, i have something wonderful to offer to the music world!

thank you to everyone who supports me. despite my down moments, i really do believe in myself, and your unwaivering support. i am confident that i will continue to improve, and that i will live a life doing what i love. *hug*