due to language, this post is not suitable for children or those with sensitive ears/eyes.

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i am seriously fucked in the head. luckily, i’ve been told that we wouldn’t be singers if we weren’t a little screwed up (in the head or otherwise).

i’m sure (unless this is your first time reading me) that you’ve experienced my panic attacks before on this blog, and some of you have been with me when i’ve fallen apart. i usually try to control these moments so they only happen when i’m alone (stupid) or with one person i trust (during voice lessons, or with criss). but lately, they’ve been happening in groups, and a little more often. I freaked out over the organization of the food tables (very ocd) before my sister’s recital (embarrassing). and last night i snapped during opera scenes rehearsal while working on carmen’s card aria in front of some students, my teacher, our accompanist, and greg, who directs many of our shows. that was initially scary as the panic shock through me in waves, but ultimately ironically relaxing and energizing. how fucked is that? but i think the best part was that i didn’t have to pretend to be strong claire virginia, that i could break down, and everyone stood by me, rather than shying away because i’m the freak who has panic attacks (i think i scared a freshman last semester because she chose the wrong day to watch one of my lessons).

this sounds so cliche, but i feel like i’ve been damaged. since i started school as a kid, i’ve always been pushed to do my best, and be the best, and my sick mind took that a step further and developed a perfectionist complex, and since i’m a perfectionist, i’m never good enough, and pretty soon here i am at 23 having broken myself down into a very insecure girl-woman struggling to find confidence in myself. it doesn’t help that for a good part of my childhood, i wasn’t accepted by my peers, and i never really learned how to make friends, so my fucked little head translated this as me having little worth and not being good enough forth world.

but somehow i made it too adulthood pretending that everything was ok, and convincing everyone but myself that i was very confident, and maybe even full of myself. but now I’ve encountered a whole new animal: the scary possibility that yes, maybe claire virginia has a fucking fabulous voice that could one day take her around the world, and it has rocked my foundation. i’m also starting to believe that it’s ok to be broken – my newest doctor told me she thinks i have a panic and anxiety problem, something i was never able to admit. and, for the first time, i’m starting to think i may have an anxiety disorder with a side of depression, something that i never would allow myself to have because as much as i wanted to stand out, be unique, and own my weirdness, part of me still wanted to be normal. but the good news is, as much as finding my voice has made me vulnerable, it’s going to make me whole.

as much as my fucked up mind tries to distract me, sometimes i know there are people who believe in me. one day, i’ll believe in myself. for now, my voice will have to do the believing for me.

if you’re a mind-fucked singer, i want to hear about it. comment below or use hashtag #mindfuckedsinger on twitter.

hugs to all,

claire virginia

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