i’m a blue-haired kitty right now. long live halloween!
i wore my true halloween costume on friday (i’ll get to that in a sec) and didn’t feel like going through the whole production of putting it on again today, so, i fell back on my kitty ears and kitty collar (complete with a human sized bell that makes an adorable clanging sound when i walk).
my laptop keys are really clacking right now because i’m wearing fake nails (so obnoxious). i’m not used to having nails this long!!! when i was a kid i bit them really short, and then i kept in the habit when i played violin (nails are horrible when you’re trying to work a fingerboard, and especially when you’re trying to create some semblance of vibrato).
i had a lovely discussion on the phone this morning (*gasp* i spoke on the phone – see phone phobia if this doesn’t make sense to you) during my bike ride, which was rather lovely as well because the weather was fabulous, and i really needed to get a ride in. a few hours and 38 miles later my legs were dead and my stomach was crying for nourishment, but i felt pretty darn good about myself. anyhoo, i had stopped to wait for my friends to catch up (there’s something new) so i returned a call and during the call i made a response to a remark, saying, “i’ll take your word for it,” and the voice on the other end told me, “i wish you would take my word for it!” in reference to various other things that i have failed to believe. it was a very timely comment, seeing as this morning i woke up feeling empowered, and ready to accept the possibility (baby steps here) that i am a spectacular singer, and a good person, and a talented musician.
i had sent my voice teacher an email in a fit of depression (which can probably be explained by the combination of aunt flo hormones and singer frustrations) and i somehow managed to have a little bit of insight:
have you ever read the poetry of rumi? he was a pretty smart guy. he speaks of loving allah/god/whatever you call him/her/it (i prefer an energy that binds everyone and everything) as a surrender, a surrender that leaves you particularly vulnerable. he must have known some singers
of all the things i learned in philosophy in high school, rumi was my favorite.
i think he may have also said something about your friends being a mirror of yourself. problem is, i’m thinking, you sometimes get a bad reflection of yourself because of the way people act toward you. i’ve received some good reflections, but those have been overshadowed by reflections that show me as being inferior and emotionally dead and not having anything valuable to offer and soon you come to believe it.
now that i’m a little more sane (hormones can really make women crazy), i’m looking at light upon light: inspirations from rumi by andrew harvey, and i found the friend as a mirror poem i was thinking of:
Your soul is so close to mine
I know what you dream.
Friends scan each other’s depths;
Would I be a Friend, if i didn’t?
A Friend is a mirror of clear water;
I see my gains in you, and my losses.
Turn away from me for one moment
My mouth fills and chokes with gall.
Like a dream that flows from heart to heart,
I, too, flow continually through all hearts.
Everything you think, I know;
Your heart is so close to mine.
I have other symbols, even more intimate,
Come closer still, dare to invoke them.
Come, like a real dervish, and dance among us,
Don’t joke, don’t boast I am already present.
In the center of your house I am like a pillar,
On your rooftop I bow my head like a gutter.
I turn like a cup in the heart of your assembly;
In the thick of your battles, I strike like an arrow.
When I give my life for yours, what Grace descends!
Each life I give gives you a thousand new worlds!
In this house, there are thousands of corpses
You sit and say: “Here is my kingdom.”
A handful of dust moans “I was hair.”
Another handful whispers: “I was bones.”
Another cries: “I was old.”
Yet another: “I was young.”
Another shouts: “Stop where you are! Stop!
Don’t you know who I am! I am so-and so’s son!”
You sit destroyed, astounded, and then suddenly Love appears.
“Come closer still,” Love says,”it is I, Eternal Life.”
the main part i was thinking of were the two lines, “A Friend is a mirror of clear water; I see my gains in you, and my losses.” rumi may not have intended this interpretation, but it’s true: we see our faults and our successes reflected at us through others, our peers. usually our faults, our mistakes, our shortcomings. or what we perceive to be shortcomings, based on what the “clear water” appears to tell us. when i look in a mirror, i see that i have red hair (dyed) and green/hazel eyes from my dad, and fair skin, and i believe all those things to be true. but then someone tells me i have a beautiful voice, that i possess a great talent, that i’m a wonderful person, and i look to the mirror for confirmation, but all the past reflections of my faults and my mistakes and my shortcomings overshadow any reflection of goodness that i may have seen, and so i only believe the false reflection, when there is a whole new mirror waiting to let me blossom, to let me glow with radiance. after all, claire means bright. it also means clear. whenever someone says “clarity” my ears perk up, expecting to hear my name. when will this clarity come in my life?
but enough of the gushing. i was writing about my bike ride. i longed to hear some music while i was riding, so i whipped out my iphone once i had a 3G signal, and opened the pandora radio app. my favorite station i’ve created on my account is the dresden dolls, which brings up a whole host of quirky, upbeat songs. many were actually very suitable for cycling! two really good selections came on – “brown-eyed girl” by van morrison and “hey there, delilah” by plain white t’s. guess what i learned today? you can dance on a bicycle! however, often i’ll run into a few songs that i really don’t want to hear, so i may have to jump on itunes, create a cycing playlist and sync it to my iphone for the next ride. 
friday was really my halloween celebration. i dressed up as lady gaga and may i say i looked fabulous! i wore the getup all day at work, in the tenderloin, and then to karaoke, where, surprise surprise, i sang two lady gaga songs. the only downside was the wig spurred a horrible rash all over my back – apparently my skin has an aversion to synthetic hair.
tomorrow is another day, a beautiful day. and i’m going to glow in it.
