i’m feeling incredibly lazy. it’s not a feeling i particularly relish, and yet i’m succumbing to it quite easily.
i’m actually not being very lazy at all. since i got home, i’ve looked up various videos on youtube, popped out an email, done some online window shopping, bought some music on itunes, and now i’m going to work on adding some content to my page on facebook and working on a new (second attempt) website design for a friend, and possibly do some work on designing my own. i even managed to wander to the kitchen and nuke some leftovers for dinner. so i’m fairly occupied, and not vegetating in front of telly or something awful like that.
and yet i feel terribly lazy, because i didn’t practice. i’ve barely made an attempt at singing. i muttered a few lines in the car on the way home, along with a laid-back song that always comforts. i got home, plopped into my desk chair and got a few things done while waiting for hot water for tea, fully intending to practice after drinking some of that tea. and here i am an hour and a half later, with absolutely no ambition to practice. i hardly want to sing.
i’m just tired. it’s really difficult to want to sing after being at work all day. i’m struggling to keep my eyes open at the moment – not very conducive to good singing. so instead i think i’ll just sit here in a lull and try to do something productive on the computer, and when i have my lesson tomorrow, maybe i won’t feel so lazy.
interesting thing about the shake weight. my teacher suggested i use it while singing, to get my body energized and engaged. it actually worked! i sang better (at least i think i sang better).
after i finish writing this i’m going to try my hand at yoga. i’ve been having problems for some time with relaxing, and i occasionally have panic attacks that are accompanied by breathing attacks, in which i start hyperventilating, and it’s pretty darn scary! lately, i’ve been having these breathing attacks while singing, and that’s just a big no no. i can put up with some things, and as miserable as they are, if i have to deal with panic attacks, i’ll do so, but when my mental shit starts messing with my singing, i have to put a stop to it. so i went to the doctor. after talking with her (nice lady by the way, she’s from the ukraine and likes opera) she concluded that i have some form of anxiety disorder, and that my vocal spasms (that happen when i have a breathing attack – my vocal cords tighten up, making it hard to get in the required air) are most likely a result of my panic attacks. just in case, i’m seeing an ear, nose, and throat doctor on thursday to make sure that there isn’t a physical problem with my vocal cords. in the meantime, i need to figure out how to decrease my anxiety, and yoga has been suggested many times. this could be interesting.
i was also prescribed an anti-anxiety drug for “only as needed’” use. i found out yesterday, while testing it to see how it would affect me, that i can’t take a whole pill or i’ll be rendered useless. it knocks me out. and then i wake up groggy, light-headed, dizzy, and feeling generally like shit. i’ll have to stick to half a pill. half a pill didn’t produce any ill effects at all. just don’t know if it will actually decrease my anxiety …
if it comes down to it, i’m going to have to have a major conversation with my mind and clear out all the garbage that’s making my emotions and body react the way they do (possibly with the help of a professional). i’m really jazzed for the ent (hehehehe not the tree guys from lord of the rings, the ear/nose/throat doctor) on thursday – i’m anxious (haha) to find out whether my cords are screwed up or if they are just dandy. at least that will either solve the problem or rule something out.
just a quick post to say if you notice things changing, that’s because they are! i’m simplifying the blog name, changing the look and hopefully reaching out a bit more. we’ll see how this goes …
warning: this blog is going to cover a TON of random shite, so i’d suggest that if your eyes are weary or your concentration skills leave much to be desired you read this in sections. i’ll even break it up for you!
part ein:
i hardly expect you to have noticed, but i just changed my tagline from the very long sentence about a mezzo-soprano’s perspective to the very simple and philosophical “musik und liebe” (and who could notice, with that tiny font). for those of you who aren’t familiar with the german language, the phrase means “music and love”, the two things that are most important in my life (and the two things that could potentially conflict at some point in my life, depending on what direction i want to go). these two words have been stuck in my head for the past year or so (funny, because that’s also about the length of time i’ve been with my lovely boyfriend). i even put them on my graduation cap!
well, now i’m going to take it one step further. after many years of searching for the perfect picture to ink onto my body, i’ve settled on these three words instead. i’m thinking i’m going to put them on my lower neck/upper back, in a deep purple. i laid it out a few months ago.
the plan is to drop into godspeed tattoo in san mateo (where my friend kate, who i believe has reached a total of 9 tattoos, got her last few pieces done) sometime next month and at least talk to an artist and get a quote, and then i can decide whether or not to take the plunge. by the way, the first comment on this entry will be from my mom, who will scream at me in agony and urge me not to get a tattoo. sorry …
part zwei:
this dome is fantabulous.
(yes, i took this picture. i took it with my iphone 4. whatah!!! don’t ask what that means – it’s a random sound of awesomeness) my friend andy dropped in for the weekend for my joint birthday party with kate (see part drei) and somehow we ended up wandering around the westfield shopping center in san francisco (which somehow i have only seen from the outside) and happened upon this dome a few floors up. giddiness ensued. ah, the simple pleasures in life. domes and curvy escalators.
andy and i were actually in that part of the city because i felt it terribly important to take him by the water feature at the yerba buena gardens. yet another simple pleasure – walking behind a wall of water.
and before THAT … i put tasty foods in my belly at mifune in japantown. sushi for breakfast (doesn’t that sound like a band name?). the sushi actually was not very impressive, but the tenzaru soba i always order there was epic. and then the two men sitting at the table next to ours suggested that we get the milk sake – definitely a good choice (much better than the japanese beer we were going to get). speaking of the men at the table – that day was extremely weird. i was chatted up by some random guy at chevron while pumping gas (gee, that could be innuendo if you really tried hard to make it so), and then the two guys at mifune became a part of our lunch (yum), and then another random guy started talking to me in the parking lot at kate’s and even offered to help me loosen the straps on my bike rack, which i was removing from the top of my trunk, anticipating a trip to the car wash (which was glorious). sooooo weird. it must have been the giants hat. it’s the only explanation. never have i had that many random people be so chatty with me in one day.
part drei:
kate and claire’s second annual birthday bash. last year we did a masquerade at the karaoke place we regularly frequent. this year? a wicked blend of rockband, apples to apples, pictionary, dueling piñatas, and fooooooooood. we actually ended up having too much food – can you believe that? first it was chill, just a few of us grazing on chips in the kitchen, and then suddenly all the guests descended upon kate’s condo, ready to party like mad! we branded our birthday celebration as a rockband party, but rockband ended up playing a very small role that evening. spotlight: boss’s granddaughter singing very softly but rather well, and then picking up the drums with no trouble at all. made my day.
dueling piñatas. it was an idea that popped into my head when kate’s boyfriend suggested that we get a piñata. we strung up two piñatas on a tree and had two teams: mine and kate’s. the objective was simple: whichever team broke open its piñata first was the winner. my boyfriend controlled kate’s piñata (to throw her off) and vice versa. kate and i went first on our respective piñatas, and then we let everyone else join in. look what happened!
by the way, we had our eyes closed. the blindfolds were too thin, and therefore pointless, so we went on honor and did our best to keep our lids squeezed shut.
then a huge apples to apples game ensued, while kate retired to the bedroom with a posse for pictionary, and eventually we all joined her in there on her bed (mmmmmmhhhmmmmm) and i discovered that i’m actually quite good at translating clues into pictures. all in all, our party rocked. hard core.
part vier:
i know you’ve been waiting for the magical ukuleles. i’ve been waiting for the magical ukuleles! some of you know of my passion for the dresden dolls and singer amanda palmer. i’ve been ripping out her songs in the car all weekend. major happiness. in fact, i was driving my friend andy to the greyhound station in the city (when i picked him up on friday, i was reminded why i hate driving in the city) and was singing along to “the perfect fit”, which is one of my fav dresden dolls songs, and i was so psyched because i introduced such a beautiful bit of music to someone, and you know what he said to me? he told me that the song was even better because i was singing along to it (no offense to amanda palmer)! punk cabaret pride.
so, i’ve been anticipating the arrival of “amanda palmer performs the popular hits of radiohead on her magical ukulele” and she put up the digital download today. get this: she’s only asking 84 cents for 7 songs. that covers the money she has to give to radiohead and to paypal. anything beyond that is a donation for her fabulous art. now of course i was a good person and paid much more than 84 cents, and i encourage you to do the same. i haven’t listened to it yet (review for another post) but i’m excited! i don’t consider myself to be partial to ukulele, but i like the idea of covering one genre in a very different style, and it’s amanda palmer, so i’m jazzed. anything to support a fellow musician. this is also a huge step for her because it’s the first solo album she’s done without her former record label, roadrunner records. it’s all self-promoted (with help of the viral nature of the internet, of course). i HAVE to buy “no, virginia” (the last dresden dolls album, which i have somehow neglected to own until now, even though i was well aware of it – i even recently downloaded one of the songs from the album for my ringtone), and i also have my eye on her photo book, “who killed amanda palmer?”, which features some very short stories by neil gaiman. yeah, i’m on a bit of an amanda palmer rush right now. which brings me to …
part fünf:
i’m realizing more and more that i really need to suck it up and write my own shite. i think that could be a huge element that’s holding me back. sure, i could cover dido and lady gaga and dresden dolls/amanda palmer, but really, i’d rather be singing my own material. when andy made that comment in the car the other day, my mind set off on a crazy whirlwind of ideas and anticipation, considering what i could do as a singer-songwriter. he wrote to me on facebook today,
Do you have a video and/or MP3 of you singing The Perfect Fit? If not … could you please make one? : )
Cause it made my day when you sang it in the car.
now that would be ten times better if i was making someone’s day singing my own music. and i can see myself being a sort of quirky, strange, regina spektor/amanda palmer type, if only i could get past this barrier of not having my own songs! two problems:
one – i pretty much fail at writing music. i wrote a “lux aeterna”, and i’m pretty pleased with it, but it’s still not complete, and i’ve been doing it in small chunks over about 3-5 years. not very effective. i don’t know if i’d work best writing lyrics first, then music, or vice versa, or all at once.
two – i don’t know how to play the piano. or guitar. so i’m without a way to accompany myself, and an effective tool for throwing together some chords for a song. this is something i think has been a major roadblock for me in general.
so, at some point i need to learn one or the other and make a real effort at writing a couple of songs, and getting people to hear them, because i would love to do what amanda palmer is doing: using the internet to spread my voice. i have no idea how it’s going to happen, but i’m full of glee just thinking about it. help?
for now, i’m just chilling in belmont, working at my awesome new job as a web content coordinator, and singing away.
why, why, WHY must we live with so much stuff? and that’s all it is … stuff! it’s not very important. most of it i could probably live without. in fact, since a lot of it is sitting in boxes at the moment, i’m doing just fine without it. so why do we hold onto so many things, and seek out ownership of all this clutter. it just doesn’t make sense. now i’ll have to stick a bunch of boxes into a closet until i graduate and have a place to call my own, at which point maybe i can downsize all this clutter that is following me around.
in other news … i seem to have a lot of pet peeves, one of which is the sound of chewing. i don’t know why – maybe the sound makes me think of gluttony or something similar – but it drives me NUTS!
there are actually many things that bother me. the other day i had to wash the dishes because the pile in the kitchen sink was bothering me. i often have to clean because the mess bothers me. i like things to be lined up with one another, rather than randomly strewn (which is odd, because there are also many things that i like to be asymmetrical, such as my cartilage piercings, and sometimes my hair). i’m sure if i started paying attention over the next week i could come up with an extensive list of things that bother me, but i’ll spare you. point is, i can be a little OCD at times.
this is not a good trait to have when i go to my parents’ house in sacramento, because everything is done in a certain way, and laid out in a certain way, a way which makes no sense to me and that i want to fix but can’t because it’s not my house. soon i will be back in belmont, and tomorrow i will be back in my apartment, which i can organize to my heart’s content.
i’m starting this post at 11:50 p.m. – yes, it’s night time. sometimes night time is just the best time to write, so here i am. i’m trying to stay warm – my feet have a habit of being cold even when the rest of my body is warm – poor circulation?
i’ve been sick since wednesday or so, but i can finally say that i’m about 92% back to normal, which is wonderful, because i can start thinking about singing again. the actual singing probably won’t happen for a couple of days, because my throat is still recouping and is absolutely worn out from all the coughing, but i’m just glad to know that i can start producing something close to lovely sounds in the near future. sickness is a plague for singers because it often wipes out our ability to do what we love most – sing! i also need to start really working on my senior recital, and i brought just my recital music home with me so i would focus on it (it’s christmas break, and i’ve moved out of my campus dwelling until mid-january).
luckily, i had my wonderful boyfriend criss to take care of me while i was wallowing in my illness. now, he’ll deny that he was making a nice gesture, but i have a little story to tell about the sweetest thing he did for me while i was sitting in his apartment delirious and sick. one of criss’s roommates has the most adorable kitten named rosen – black cat, super soft. rosen was just a little devil when he first joined the house, so criss always goes on and on about how much he dislikes that critter (but i always tease him, telling him that i know deep down he loves that cat). lately, he’s been keeping rosen out of his room, but when i was curled up on the couch, he went out of his way to get rosen to follow him down the hallway, go in the room and hop up on the couch with me. filled me with glee. i have such a good boyfriend *beams*. plus, he made me soup – always good to have a guy around to make you soup. even if it’s just out of a can i bet he’s reading this right now and blushing. hi sweetie!
i’ve added a link to my side bar – gay family values. the leffew family lives in california – they are two gay men who have adopted two children, and they make videos showing that their family life isn’t different from that of a family with hetero parents. i may have mentioned them before – lovely couple, and adorable children. i’ve linked to their blog on the side, but please also check out their videos on youtube: gay family values. they recently posted a series of videos about their adoption experience – very enlightening!
i learned today that there may still be hope for me when it comes to arts and crafts – more on that in a future post, if i remember to post pictures!
let’s see if i’m going to be able to squeeze anything else out tonight or if i should just abandon my late night blogging efforts and go to bed. hmmm … i would like to say that it’s really nice to be in a relationship where i feel equal with my partner. having said that, there are many ways in which we’re not “equal”: he actually has a steady job and the ability to support himself. once i graduate i’m going to have to figure out how to do that. having had much more life experience, he’s also much more mature than i am, but luckily i have enough moments of maturity that it’s not too much of a problem. i think the big plus is that we’re able to communicate on the same level, and somehow that gets us on the same page. i like being able to have some sort of meaningful conversation with him. granted, we have some very different interests – i like classical music, he likes golf – but somehow we find some common ground as well. he’s almost like a mentor to me in a way too, and he balances out my zaniness and anxiousness. it’s good for partners to balance each other out – in most of my relationships our qualities just ended up clashing instead of balancing.
in other news … i’m taking a step toward longer hair. i’ve sported short styles since 2006 and i’m thinking it may be time for me to try something slightly longer again. question is: do i have the patience? it has been suggested that i make a youtube video about this – get my viewers to hold me to it. it worked well when i gave up hair dyeing for a year. we’ll see what happens.
i think this post is coming to a close. cheerio all!
It’s important to encourage musicians. One gets the maximum out of singers by not insulting them. There’s no excuse for nastiness. For example, if a soprano leaves a production crying, or with a nervous breakdown,it’s just bad manners on a conductor’s part. Sometimes I get very angry when I see or hear about that. It’s a lack of humanity – Andreas Scholl
continuing my random, but pertinent, statements series …
is it wrong that my maternal instincts are kicking in, and the phrase that keeps poking fun at me constantly in my head is “dammit hamlet, my biological clock is ticking, and i want babies now!” (go see the reduced shakespeare company’s abridged shakespeare show – good stuff)
last summer, a doctor told me that fatigue can be caused by doing nothing. how sad is that? and yet, how true of my life? understand why summer vacation is such a drag? i go from doing everything to very little, and as a result i feel like shit almost every day, and yet when i return to school, i’m magically cured. craziness. definitely having one of those days right now …
one would think that a person who has so many interests is blessed in that she could do absolutely anything, that there are so many opportunities for her career, and so many roads just waiting for her to be a success. problem is, which road to take in the first place? what do you do when you want to do everything, and can only do one thing at a time? so claire, what will it be? singer? nurse? special education (for the severely mentally handicapped) teacher? coroner? nurse? photographer? geneticist? communications specialist? composer? model? actress? stay-at-home mom? interior designer/decorator? shoot, i was even told once that i should consider joining the priesthood. someone else (actually a few people) thought it was a shame that a brain like mine was going to waste as a music student, when i could excell in science. most people agree i’m an excellent writer. (except on this blog of course) teachers in all disciplies implore me to be in their program. at this point, if i honored all those requests, i’d be a music performance, english, and religious studies triple major, with a minor in communications, theatre, and dance. you know what makes it worse? most of the paths i seek require education. so when it becomes possible to go to medical school, get my credential, get a million bachelors degrees, and still manage to put food on my table and a roof over my head, maybe, just maybe, i’ll actually be able to be all of those things. for now, i’ll just have to wonder where my life takes me.
white cat fur does not adorn black fabric well.
gregory peck looks quite smashing in blue.
for all of you women out there who are terrified of going to the gyno, get over it. i finally went, and it’s really not that big of a deal. i had this image of a dark chamber, with a creepy, impersonal doctor who sticks weird devices in you, but really, it’s just a quick in and out process, only takes a few minutes, and it looks just like any other room at the medical building. sure, you’re all exposed, but honestly, it’s nothing they haven’t seen, and the woman i went to was quite respectful. so, on one side you have a few minutes of embarrassment, and on the other side your health. i’d opt for health.
it’s amazing how i can still play the violin decently after not playing regularly for almost seven years now.
i’m finally seeing my natural hair color after six years of dyeing it, and i actually rather like it. now if only it would hurry up and grow so i could chop off the remaining dyed bits.
all girls should read silly women’s fiction books at some point in their lives. especially the ones by british authors. it’s like a chick flick in print! gray’s anatomy (the book about the human body, not the t.v. show) is also tip top.
i have issues. i am a neat freak, which sometimes can cause panic attacks when my domicile is not up to snuff (only my own space though – i’ve entered houses that are extremely messy, even one which had boxes from floor to ceiling, and it didn’t phase me). i’m anachrophobic, apiphobic, and talking-on-the-phone-phobic. i can be a perfectionist. we all have our flaws though.
